Still committed…

I may not have been blogging, but I am still committed to a different way of living. The move left me with little reserve to post, but my heart is different than when this started. I truly long for people to feel like they matter. I really find myself stopping before I react and truly trying to put myself in other people’s shoes. I have a long way to go….but I am really glad to be walking this out.

Today I had the chance to talk with the moving company that helped with our move. In the process we had some furniture damaged. A situation that could have been tense turned into this opportunity to have my priorities in check. It was such an amazing experience. The owner walked me out to the car and shared part of her story. In the end…my furniture is being repaired, but it ended up not really being that important. It actually ended up being about connecting with the owner and our movers. It became about God’s people not stuff.

4 Days More

So…I really want to be blogging everyday, but moving is taking everything out of me. I look forward to this time next week when we are settled in our new place, but like I said kindness cannot be circumstantial. No excuses…and oh do I want to have them…but I cannot and will not. I am all in!
So…I was in the social security office today…which is one of the saddest places on earth. (It truly is the anti-Disney land.) After waiting forever…I ran outside to tell Jim something with still 3 people in front of me…when I returned they were on number 64… I was 63. I literally wanted to lose it. I asked if I could still be seen…nope I had to start all over. (You know the customer service isn’t the best when they have an armed officer who is there to deal with people who get out of control.) I wanted to throw a fit, but instead I told the officer/concierge thank you and left. I then returned to wait again…next to a lady who smelled so strongly of alcohol and I think she told me parenting was basically equivalent to raising goats….and next to the boyfriend of another girl who was waiting. The boyfriend was covered in open gaping wounds from some kind of wreck. Wow! Yet, I knew it was a divine appointment. I saw the couple in this new light and could talk with the lady about her frustrations and hurts which were so real. I wanted to love not run. I wanted to lean into the situation. I wanted to let God work. I cared…because these people mattered. There hurts and tough life situations mattered to me…because they matter to God.
I have a long way to go…but like I said I am in. I am in for the ups and downs. I am in for good and the bad. I want to be able to share just a little bit of the love the Lord has shown me.

Day 8 & 9

In the middle of moving…kindness can be quite difficult. I am really tired, overwhelmed, and more easily irritated. I was thinking that people going in and out of the u haul store are probably not the most congenial bunch. People in and out of our home has left me feeling pretty vulnerable. ( I never realized how private I am.) I do not believe that it was an accident that I started this year in the midst of moving. Kindness is not a choice based on our circumstances. Kindness has to be innate. It has to be what I am regardless of life pressures or situations. Seeing people, loving people, living a life of purpose has to be done each day and right now I am stinking at it. Thank goodness tomorrow is another day.

Day 6 & 7

The last two days have been really busy.  Kindness is often overshadowed by our schedules and tasks.  Yet, I have realized in the midst of life’s craziness we are given so many opportunities to just stop and care.  I sure hope that at the end of this year….my motivation will be people before the task.

Day 4 & 5

I think I am realizing how self absorbed I can be. I want to write more but I am so tired.

Day 3: Opening My Eyes

It is Day 3. The biggest change is just an awareness of how I treat each person I come in contact with. I hadn’t even realized how removed I can be from other people. It is really good to be made aware. I also am realizing how I can really lack patience with those I am closest to. This process is already refining me.

Day 2

In the midst of really trying to stop and see people and respond in kindness and patience; I am treated exactly that way. Jim and I have decided to put our house in St. Louis on the market. Our amazing real estate agent calls us today and tells us how she is working to make sure the house gets staged and some painting gets done without us having to return to St. Louis. This is such a blessing because of jim’s new job, moving from our current rental, some health stuff and having a busy two year old…we had no idea how to put more on our plate. It just makes me realize when you are loved well, you must love well.
Also, as I celebrate Father’s Day I am so blessed to have someone in my life who is like a dad. Even though he does not have to… he loves Jim and I like a father. I have this amazing example in my life. He loves well!
So as day 2 comes and goes, I want to be committed to this more than ever. Today it just was a few small reach outs and some attitude adjustments, but these are steps in the right direction.

The Kindness Project (Day 1 and a half)

God has really been placing on my heart that this world is just lacking kindness…and I am part of the problem.  It is so easy to get caught up in my own life and forget to take the time to really see people…to actually hear them, to value them, to care!  I don’t want to continue to do this.  I want to take the time to show people they matter to me…and most of all they matter to God!  I want to be an example of His love, not just so stuck in my own stuff that I do not show kindness.  I have talked about this in the past…but it is a persistent theme in my life…and God just keeps bringing me back to this place.

So, I have committed to 365 days of kindness.  Otherwise known as the kindness project.  I know it is rather kitchy, but I am not seeing people as the project…I am seeing myself as the project. I really believe that God wants to transform me through this experience.  I am going to do things that make me uncomfortable.  I am going to love boldly.  I am going to live the way that God has been really been calling me to live for the last year since my allergic reaction in the hospital.

I am scared.  I am excited.  I know it is going to be hard.  Day one which was yesterday….well it was a challenge.  Annoyance is sometimes so much easier than kindness, but I am committed.  Luckily, I do not have to do it in my own strength.  So here goes nothing!

One Amazing Gift…

Two years ago today, God gave us such an amazing gift.  My little man…Anderson Warner Barnard.  Words cannot express how thankful I am to be his Mom.  He makes me laugh, learn, pray, clean, cry, smile, delight, and so much more!  The last two years has taught me so much about God’s love and loving well.  Anderson: Thank you for learning with me!  Thanks for loving me!  Thanks for the blessing that is you!  We are proud of you.  You are growing and changing so much.  Watching your language develop and seeing how funny you are…it is amazing!  Thank for the hugs and kisses.  Thank for just being you!

His 2nd birthday involved his first happy meal. ( I think it is a rite of passage.)  A microwave cake…he love microwaves because they beep and have numbers.  (He tried to press the numbers on his cake.)

Playplace time and park time….and I think the singing of Happy Birthday at least six times.  It was a great time!

Oh the pity!

Yesterday I came face to face with self pity.  So gross…kinda pitiful…and not all to productive.  It just hit me like a freight train.  Like a stubborn toddler ( not that I know one of those)…I just wanted to throw myself on the floor and spit and scream.  I wanted to come out biting and scratching…just because.  I am not stating that this is acceptable…but it just was.  (FYI…I did not bite or scratch). I just was tired…weary…worn.  This is not the end of the story.  A good friend, a mentor and someone in my life who I respect so much put things in perspective.  She reminded me that I was grieving and that grief hits when we least expect it and
that we have to feel it.  We have to walk through it and own it.  She is and was right.  Instead of stuffing the emotion I recognized why I was feeling what I was feeling and dealt with the sadness versus being an insolent child.  God is constantly  reminding me that all things are being used and will be used for His glory.  This life is tough, but He is present.  He is big and can handle my disappointment.  Finally…He loves me and is patient with me and my brokeness.  Resting in Him is not a trite concept…it is the only place to land when life hurts.